Schroeder, without a doubt, is as queer as a three-dollar bill. Hasn't gotten laid but doesn't mind much -- he's still got his piano, or rather a bank of digital synth keyboards, and his right hand. On the night of the drunken bash, he... well, you'll see. Later, at music school, he goes through a series of "close friends," not all of whom have conducted their sex lives with great decorum, and just about the time Schroeder begins to become known as a great pianist, he begins to die of AIDS.
Lucy is still a virgin except for one pre-adolescent incestuous incident with Linus: she tricked him into it by misinforming him about the Facts of Life the way she used to about so many other things. Lucy wants to get laid, but still has the hots for Schroeder, so on that fateful drunken night she unsuccessfully attempts to "convert" him back to the straight road. This goes so badly that Lucy bears the emotional scars for the rest of her life, staying celibate through college and then becoming a lesbian Ice Queen dominatrix.
Linus has never gotten over the shock and trauma of his incestual rape at Lucy's hands. Therapy might've helped once, but that was years ago, neither he nor Lucy ever TOLD anyone about the incident, and for all intents and purposes it's too late: Linus is sexually confused. Marcy appeals to him on an intellectual level, but there's a triangle with that blonde bombshell Sally who's been chasing him forever and keeps mailing him her used and smelly panties. Linus thinks he doesn't know what to do with a girl (Lucy misled him pretty badly) and is terrified of both Marcy AND Sally when you get right down to it. He thinks he may be gay, but is afraid to talk to Schroeder. This stuff stews for a few more years without resolution, until Linus buys an assault rifle, goes on a rampage in a commuter train or a McDonald's, and kills seven people "before turning the gun on himself."
Posted 9/24/2010 7:51 am Sally is, as mentioned, a fox by this point, and could get ANY guy to fuck her just by waving a snatch-scented finger past his face, but she's been foolishly holding out for Linus and using Snoopy for sexual relief. Ol' Snoop's getting a little old by this point, but he can still lick Sal into a frenzy when he gets a whiff of her pussy. "The Red Baron goes DOWN!!!" says his thought balloon, as he dives for Sally's fox-hole. A few years later Sally says 'to hell with Linus' and takes up with his brother Rerun; she can swallow pretty much the same DNA chains when HE cums on her tonsils, as she would if it were Linus, so it works out pretty well. After Linus goes apeshit, Rerun begins to suffer flashbacks at the moment of orgasm, to his days of riding around on the back of his mother's bike, but Sal's learned to live with it -- it beats a bedful of dog drool. Snoopy dies during this period, a hundred and fifty dog-years old but having lived a very full life. He is buried with his WWI Flying Ace goggles and scarf, and his doghouse is ceremonially burned down.
Peppermint Patty must have had hippie parents, or picked up hippie ways on her own. She describes herself as "earthy," goes barefoot year 'round, uses a natural sponge for her excessively heavy monthly flow, is the earth-mother of a circle of nature-worshipping pagans, and will fuck anything that moves but still has a special interest in good ol' Chuck. She's been coming on to CB for years, making tongue motions at him when no one is looking, and once even flashing him a glimpse of her enormous, large-nippled breasts from the minimal shelter of the open doors of a storage cabinet in the school Supply Room. Too bad she's got more hair on her arms than he does.
Posted 9/24/2010 7:52 am Charlie Brown... heh. You'd never know it to look at him, but he's the horny sex-maniac of the gang. He's been hot as a goat since the strip was first published, and had his first orgasm at the tip of Snoopy's tongue shortly thereafter, albeit off camera. But who to fuck? Snoopy's busy with Sally these days. And you remember the Little Red-Haired Girl? She grew up to be both beautiful and sensitive as a teenager, and was just beginning to return Charlie Brown's devotion as the beautiful and long-suffering thing it was, when she was brutally and messily struck down by a speeding car: closed-casket funeral. CB was crushed, and finally gave in to Peppermint Patty's greasy advances. Much to his mixed surprise, delight, and disgust, it turns out that PP gives teriffic head and fucks like a mink; CB is disgusted at his physical lust for this repulsive creature, but his choad keeps him crawling back to her dirty slit. The night of that party, they do it anally for the first time and CB knows he'll be making a lot of weekend trips back home from college, at least until he finds a more worthy fuck at school. He actually DOES find a fuck at school: another fat chick whose primary endorsement is that she is a couple of tanks of gas closer to hand than Peppermint Patty. CB and PP gradually drift apart, and CB ends up marrying the Fat Chick. Every morning he gets up, looks in the mirror, and tries to convince himself that he Really. Does. Love. Her. Really. Every day for the rest of his life.
Marcy has never shown a lick of interest in sex, and doesn't fuck anyone the night of the party, just stays by the fire (on the beach), swilling straight gin (her one vice) from a bottle. A few years later her lack of sexual interest rouses her own worries, but it's too late: a long overdue Pap smear shows advanced cancer, which kills her at age 22.
Posted 9/24/2010 7:52 am Frieda doesn't have a clue about anything but that fucking CAT of hers, and even there she has failed to notice that the damned thing DIED in 1982 and is now STIFF rather than LIMP in her arms. All she knows about Sex is what her mother told her: "it's evil, something women have to put up with, if they get married, for the sake of having babies." She doesn't even GO to the end-of-school wingding because she hears that there's "probably gonna be beer," or worse. Instead, she stays home and updates her Facebook status from her dad's computer.
Pigpen. I have but one word for Pigpen: "coprophilia." It was only a matter of time before he moved on from dirt to shit, really. The night of the party he winds up licking Sally's and Snoopy's assholes while THEY get oral-genital together, and a good time is had by all, but it's not a permanent thing. Pigpen later finds a career in European porn video and sends Sally the occasional dirty postcard with a few wistful words of memoirs. Oddly, Frieda's dad has a .gif of Pigpen on his computer, but doesn't realize who it is. He just shows it to all his friends when they come over.
Woodstock got a bug up his ass one year and decided to try migration for the first time at the age of thirty. He got about a block and a half south and was shot by a kid with a BB gun who thought he was killing pigeons.
Maybe this time it will be different. Maybe this time if I let her cry on my shoulder, and buy her an expensive dinner, then maybe, just maybe, she won't pull that football away.
